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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

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Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

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Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

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Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everybody’s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

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It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Don’t drive me crazy—it’s within walking distance.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot—and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

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I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

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When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

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If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

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A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

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Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

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I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

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The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

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In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Why don’t you write books people can read?

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

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The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

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It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

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Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee—that will do them in.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

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Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

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Lohr’s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

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Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

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I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

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I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

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Devlin’s First Law – Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin’s Second Law – So can PowerPoint.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

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True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

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The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

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... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

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When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.

I am not young enough to know everything.

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It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

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C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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If you are going through hell, keep going.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

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Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!

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I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: ‘His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

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Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Lohr’s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

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In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

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To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.

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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

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It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

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A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee—that will do them in.

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Why don’t you write books people can read?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

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I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax —tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

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It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

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I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit—get lost.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

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The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

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If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

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